The Myth Of The Family Meeting

With graduation less than a week away, I've been taking a lot of stock. (And Tylenol, actually; I've been taking a lot of Tylenol.) Eighteen and a half years of parenting behind me. 

For the record, that's the longest I've ever stayed at any job. 

What did I do particularly well? What did I screw up?

Becoming a mother is the greatest act of faith we can undertake. It can also be a huge slap in the face. It rocks our inner vision and is at once a source of great pride and the most humbling experience in the world.

My husband and I were a little late to the game and we had already watched most of our closest friends deal with transitioning from being happy-go-lucky "DINKs" (dual-income, no kids) to sleep-deprived, car-pooling zombies. We weren't ready yet, but we were very self-satisfied. If and when we were ever parents, we assured ourselves, we wouldn't make this or that mistake. We would never raise our voices. Or let our offspring walk all over us. We would do everything perfectly.

As my favorite classics professor Dr. Zarker would have remonstrated, "Hubris, hubris, hubris!"

Raised in the 1960s and 70s, I had a wonderful weekly example of perfect parenting: Carol and Mike Brady. Their six (count 'em, six) children were respectful and remarkably well-groomed. Their house was orderly; their dinners were on time.

And, Mr. and Mrs. Brady never lost their sh*t.

If there was ever an issue in the Brady household, they simply had a family meeting in that tiny little room off the kitchen. Crisis averted.

Last week, I insisted on a family meeting in our house. I was feeling stressed over our packed schedule of school events (white water rafting, graduation rehearsal, awards banquet and the big day itself), out of town visitors, horse shows, theatre tickets, work deadlines, business trips, and more. And, yes, I was ready to lose my sh*t.

Lest you think I'm just an anxious person (I am, but that's beside the point), let me give you a couple of examples ...

So far, I'd rescheduled my daughter's tuberculosis test three times. (No, she doesn't have tuberculosis. Well, I assume she doesn't have tuberculosis. But, she has to have the test for college.) I can practically hear the receptionist cringing every time I call the doctor's office.

Apparently, my daughter needs polypropylene long underwear for the rafting trip. This is not something I had on hand (or had time to run to the mall for), so we ended up using my sister-in-law's Amazon Prime account to get it here in two days.

We gave my husband a flying lesson for his recent birthday. But, finding a day when all three of us can take a few hours to drive up to New Hampshire and watch him fly a Cessna 172, take pictures (or, in my case, pray) was anything but clear skies.

Add to all this year-end activity the arrangements we still need to make to actually transport our little freshman and all her gear to her out-of-state university, and I think you can appreciate why I'm having trouble sleeping.

So, we had a family meeting, but it wasn't as peaceful or productive as the Bradys'. It required more than a little bullying on my part — before, during and after. We walked through the next nine weeks and took notes. I gave out some assignments (and ignored the eye-rolling). 

And, for a full five minutes after the meeting, I actually felt better. Even if things still slip through the cracks — and they will — I can smugly say, "See? That's why I wanted to have a family meeting."

At this point, I'll take what I can get.

Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
 
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Speak the Speech, I Pray You

Did you watch The Brady Bunch when you were growing up?

Wait, what am I saying? Of course you did. 

Remember how Carol and Mike were always shaking their heads, bemused, over the hip teen slang that Marcia and Greg (and Jan and Peter and eventually Cindy and Bobby) used? Phrases like "Outta Sight," "Groovy"  and "Far Out!" 

Some words we used in the 1970s are still all right. "Cool," for example, in its laid back minimalism, hasn't really lost its relevance. "Neat" also works, in moderation.

Like any generation, though, my teenaged daughter and her peers have come up with a whole new glossary of terms for us. Many are shaped by the 21st century phenomenon of texting. So, for example, you don't just see the acronym "WTF" on your mobile, you hear people say it. The initials themselves, I mean. Not the complete (and colorful) phrase they allude to.

Language is a living thing. Sarah Palin will be the first to point out that Shakespeare himself invented words and turns of phrase as he wrote his wonderful (or should I say "amazeballs?") plays. In fact, without him, we wouldn't have such common colloquialisms as:

All's well that ends well
Brave new world
Come what may
Dead as a doornail
Eaten out of house and home
Flesh and blood
Good riddance

I could keep going (after all, there are another 19 letters in the alphabet and at least five times that many sayings purportedly coined by the Bard).

Who knows? Will one of today's teenagers come up with the next "What's in a name" or "Wearing my heart on my sleeve?"

Um ... doubtful. 

But, let's stay optimistic and embrace change anyway. As the mother of a teenager, I long ago (l-o-n-g ago) gave up trying to be "with it." As a writer, though, I enjoy staying abreast of our evolving tongue. To that effort, I've compiled some current teen slang for your reading pleasure. Remember, slang changes at the speed of ... well ... at the speed of a seventeen-year-old texting. It's tough to stay au courant, but I'll have a go here:

Bae - Special person, acronym for "Before Anyone Else," also short for "Babe"

I Literally Can't - Truncated exclamation for something that's so fantastic you — literally — can't finish the thought

Thirsty - Desperate for attention (not for water or Diet Coke or anything liquid)

Yaass - Emphatic synonym for "Yes"

On Fleek - Adjective meaning penultimate, exactly on point

Ship - Verb that means to support a relationship

OTP - Acronym standing for "One True Pairing," as in Katy and Russell (or not), or Justin and Selena (or not), or Taylor and Taylor (or NOT)

Turn Up - To get excited and prepared to party, related to post-partying "Turnt," which conveniently rhymes with "burnt"

Basic - A dismissive description for someone who is so unoriginal that the only place they shop is The Gap and the only music they listen to is One Direction

Throw Shade - To give someone the evil eye, particularly effective on the red carpet

Ratchet - An adjective for mean, annoying, gross or just plain nasty

There are countless others and more invented every day. In fact, if it's on my radar at all, it's probably way past its expiration date. Should we applaud their creativity? Or wring our hands in despair?

Oh, my young friends, speak the speech, I pray you. 

Because I literally can't ...

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A Very Brady Tribute: Part Two

Prime Time Life Lessons or All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From The Bradys

In my earlier post, marking the passing of beloved sitcom creator Sherwood Schwartz, I spoke about why The Brady Bunch has stood the test of time so well.

Forty years ago, Sherwood Schwartz and his team were addressing the evolving nature of the American Household. It was a reassuring message in a changing time: where there's love, there's family.

The Bradys are often held up as impossibly idealized and yet they were a patchwork of steps: stepmom, stepdad, stepbrothers, stepsisters. And, while the 30-minute episodes all had happy endings, the characters were not perfect. They had their share of petty jealousies, major rivalries and — yes, even filial disobedience. Of course, Mike and Carol were always loving and wise, despite some rather poor choices made by the tween and teen Bradys. I certainly don't remember seeing them COMPLETELY LOSE IT as I have been known to do ... oh, once or twice (all right, maybe a few more times than that). The Bradys are something to aspire to.

And, more importantly, The Brady Bunch offers us life lessons that could rival anything you might hear from his holiness the Dalai Lama.

Here are just some of the things it taught (and can still teach) us ...

There's Sex After Marriage

The Brady Bunch broke new ground when it put the parents in ... gasp ... the same bed. If you remember, Lucy and Ricky slept in matching twins, like school roommates, with a chaste gap of a few feet between them. (Of course, one of the Ricardos must have crossed over or we wouldn't have met Little Ricky in season two.) Not only was Schwartz's series one of the first to show a husband and wife sleeping together, but many episodes ended with Mike reaching for his lovely bride in a manner that suggested that sleeping wasn't the only thing going on.

I figure that if Mr. and Mrs. Brady can still get frisky with six kids, a dog, a cat, a housekeeper, a station wagon and an astroturf lawn, I can put a little more effort into my own romantic life in a much less complicated household. Maybe I should invest in one of those little peignoir sets Carol was always wearing?

You Can't Change a Person

Alice loved Sam. And, arguably, Sam loved Alice. But, when the housekeeper tried to get her butcher to go to a Brady school performance instead of his bowling league ... well, let's just say it was "love's labor lost" — their love clearly knew some bounds.

Women (and many of my friends, in particular) think they can fall in love with one part of a man — his dashing looks, say, or his rakish humor — and then, over time, change whatever falls short. Take a lesson from Alice, ladies. If he's a slob when you're dating, he'll be a slob when you're married. If he drinks too many brewskies while you're getting to know him, he'll continue to do so when your relationship is old hat. Once a workaholic, always a workaholic. You get the idea.

However, if you are truly smitten, you can always try and embrace his interests. Alice, after all, went on a very romantic — if widely misinterpreted — bowling date in episode 12 of the final season, "The Elopement."

To Thine Own Self Be True

Forget Shakespeare's Polonius! To see the wisdom of this life lesson, look no further than Jan and Peter. In "Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?," Jan, forever lost in the shadows between teen dream Marcia and baby girl Cindy, tries to make her mark. She dons a rather ridiculous curly black wig. With the help of some sympathetic friends, however, she realizes that natural blondes really do have more fun.

Peter, meanwhile, tries to create his own unique identity when he fears he has 'no personality.' His attempts include a battery of lame jokes and a comical impersonation of Humphrey Bogart. The episode, "The Personality Kid," gave us one of the series' most famous and incessantly repeated lines, "Porkchops and apple sauce, ain't that swell?"

The moral from the middle children? Be yourself. As Mike and Carol would say, "Figure out what you do best, then do your best at it."

Girls Can Do Anything Boys Can Do

At first glance, The Brady Bunch might not seem like a feminist program. After all, happy housewife Carol doesn't seem to have much ambition beyond getting all six bag lunches into the hands of the right Bradys before school each morning. And, in rewatching the series now as a 21st-century middle-aged mom, I do find myself cringing at times when Mike holds court. He is clearly the head of the household and it often feels as though he has two handmaids the way that both Mrs. Brady and Alice fawn over him.

Nevertheless, the Brady kids prove time and again that girls can do anything boys can do. In "The Liberation of Marcia Brady," the oldest Brady daughter becomes the first female to join the Frontier Scouts while poor Peter has to sell Sunflower Girl cookies door-to-door. Girl vs. boy competitions were a theme throughout the show's five seasons, mirroring real-life political and cultural movements. And Mike, albeit flanked by his two sometimes subservient women, always reinforced that, amongst the Brady children at least, there was gender equality. Hear, hear!

Nothing Beats a Family Vacation!

This is one message that I like reinforce with my own daughter and there are several Brady episodes that help me underscore the point. Yes, weekends with BFFs are fun and horseback riding camp is absolutely an essential part of the summer. But, really, nothing beats a good old-fashioned family vacation.

Where else could you be locked up in a ghost town jail by a delusional gold rush prospector (who sounds remarkably like Thurston Howell III)? Or, discover a taboo tiki that needs to be returned to an ancient Hawaiian burial ground? Or, meet a genuine Indian? (Remember, this was the early seventies; we didn't use the term 'Native American' yet and the episode, I'm sorry to say, was called "The Brady Braves.")

The point is, the Bradys taught us nothing so much as that family comes first. Perhaps this is why so many parents as well as kids still love the show. From the Grand Canyon to Honolulu to Westdale High, it was always the Bradys against the world.

My money's still on the Bradys. R.I.P. Mr. Schwartz.

A Very Brady Tribute: Part One

The television industry lost one of its earliest and most prolific comedy writers this past week. In his fifty-year TV career, Sherwood Schwartz wrote for The Red Skelton Hour and a number of now forgotten series: The Dusty Trail, It's About Time and Harper Valley. He would be best known for creating a silly series about rag-tag comic castaways called Gilligan's Island, if it weren't for three little words.

The. Brady. Bunch.

I grew up in the groovy seventies and Sherwood Schwartz was one of the most influential figures of my childhood. (Even if I didn't know who he was at the time.) Surprisingly, he has made a tremendous impact on my daughter's early years too.

When my now tween daughter was about seven years old, one of my coworkers gave her the first season of The Brady Bunch on DVD. What fun! From Carol and Mike's disastrous wedding ceremony and their full house honeymoon, to the Brady kids getting used to new siblings. From Alice feeling unneeded to Jan feeling unappreciated. Measles, braces, diaries, pay phones, camping trips ... she devoured it!

As fast as you can say, "Desi Arnaz, Jr!," we were investing in seasons two through five.

We were a very Brady household for quite a while. My daughter would watch as many episodes in a row as we would allow. Whenever I could, I joined her, reliving my own childhood fascination with all things Marcia, Jan, Cindy, Greg, Peter and Bobby. We also shared the DVDs with several of her friends who were just as enchanted (and whose parents were just as nostalgic). At one point, my daughter had a Brady Bunch birthday theme party. We gave out tie-dyed tote bags, peace sign necklaces and seventies candy. I dressed as Alice and my husband wore a final season Mike Brady white-man-afro. The party pictures are excellent blackmail material if either of us ever needs it.

Oh, and our favorite Ben & Jerry's flavor? Marsha Marsha Marshmallow!

After we had gone through the entire series a couple of times (all right, maybe eight or nine times), I thought I'd introduce her to another show I had lived and died and breathed for: The Partridge Family. In fourth grade, I remember Friday evenings were my favorites because The Brady Bunch was on at 8:00, and the one and only dreamiest of dreamy Keith Partridge followed at 8:30. Sigh ... no one had to tell me to "Come On, Get Happy." I was in Tiger Beat heaven!

Alas, my daughter was nonplussed. I don't think she even made it through the first DVD, much less the first season. What happened?

In terms of sets and costumes, attitudes and dialogue, both The Partridge Family and The Brady Bunch are desperately dated. "Cool" is still cool, but phrases like, "Far out!" ... well, not so much. I cringe when I see the short, short, short dresses on the Brady girls (Cindy's bloomers peeking out from under her skirts wouldn't fly today, good thing). Or, Keith and Greg's endless pursuit of "chicks." And Carol Brady and Shirley Partridge seem to have been in competition for the best (worst?) shag haircut. (Mrs. Brady won (lost?), by the way.)

So, why the continued fascination for the Brady kids, while the talented Partridges are relegated to the back of my family's DVD cabinet?

I think Mr. Schwartz hit on something more basic and universal than the idea of a family rock band (even a groovy one). Despite all the dated silliness, the Brady Bunch was an innovative look at what makes a family a family. And, apparently, if my daughter and her peers are any indication, it still resonates today.

In an interview, Schwartz once recounted that the idea for The Brady Bunch came to him when he heard a statistic that 29% of marriages included a child (or children) from a previous marriage. This new idea of family and how it might work was his inspiration for one of the most beloved shows of all time. When Marcia nominated Mike for "Father of the Year," it made for an endearing episode with a powerful, timely lesson. Mike was Marcia's father because of their day-to-day relationship, not their DNA. Think how many permutations of families have appeared on the small screen since.

Bell bottoms aside, The Brady Bunch and its creator were ahead of their time.

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