No "Girls" Allowed

We survived Junior Prom, and learned some valuable lessons. For example, next year my teenage daughter plans to have her hair professionally done (hey, I did my best). We will start at Frugal Fannie's for the dress, not end there after a couple of expensive missteps. We'll order the flowers in advance.

It felt a little like my wedding twenty-ohmigod-three years ago. I was absolutely lost through the whole planning process. But, once it was over, I could have written a guidebook.

But, I digress. Back to Prom.

With all the rules surrounding Prom — and there were plenty of them — I was pleasantly surprised that not much was said about a dress code. And, when my husband and I attended the "red carpet" prior to bus-boarding and venue-arriving and Prom itself, we were very pleasantly surprised at the good taste demonstrated by most of our daughter's classmates. Oh sure, there was the occasional slit (here, there and everywhere). But, by and large, the dresses were age-appropriate, baring the right amount of skin.

We had seen the same girls and boys four years earlier as they left the upper middle school for the eighth grade Boston harbor cruise. It was billed as a "semi-formal" and many of the boys wore jackets and ties — some comfortably and some ... well ... not. Most of the girls wore short dresses. Really short dresses. Short short short dresses. Some were skintight and girls were struggling to pull them down before they even left school property. Add to this that at least half of the girls were (for the first time in many cases) wearing high heels. Really high heels. High high high heels. The entire class was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

The scene was the epitome of awkward. First of all, unless you're Brooke Shields, eighth grade hits in the middle of an awkward stage. The boys still looked like boys, while the girls looked like underage lingerie models. They were dressed and made up to look adult though. Very adult.

So fast forward to this year's big event. They all looked like grownups. And, as I said, despite a few instances of too much cleavage (back and side, as well as front), they were quite elegant.

Other schools across the country may have had less success keeping the kids in enough clothing. The news has covered a number of towns in which Prom-goers were informed of dress code rules a little too late. Some girls (not mine, obviously) buy their Prom dresses months and months in advance. If you're suddenly told that the strapless gown you paid $200 (or, in many cases, significantly more) for won't work, what are you supposed to do? And whether well-intentioned or not, the rules always revolve around girls and girly body parts, objectifying them as much as the offending garments did.

This week, a story broke about a school that sent what attempted (but failed) to be a humorous letter home, prescribing appropriate dress for another teen milestone: Graduation. The Upper Adams School in Bigliverville, PA, in its Proper Attire & Etiquette for Awards Program and Graduation, stipulated some general rules, like "No flip flops," "No chewing gum," "No sunglasses," as well as gender-specific ones:

Ladies: Choose modest attire. No bellies showing, keep "the girls" covered and supported, and make sure that nothing is so small that all your bits and pieces are hanging out.  Please remember that as you select an outfit for the awards assembly that we don't want to be looking at "sausage rolls" as Mrs. Elliott calls them. As you get dressed remember that you can't put 10 pounds of mud in a five-pound sack.

Okay, who is Mrs. Elliott and how dare she compare any girl to processed meat? (Way to add insult to injury for someone who is probably already feeling body shame.)

To be fair, boys were warned to "PULL YOUR PANTS UP!," but there was no mention of their "bits and pieces." As usual, it's the girl who is the focus of these rules and, consequently, the girl who must carry the responsibility for ensuring the morality of all.

When parents complained (and I guess they did, in great numbers), the school issued a quick mea culpa:

The Administration acknowledges that some individuals have found certain language in the document to be inappropriate or in poor taste. The document was drafted years ago, and the author of the original document has since retired. The document does not reflect the high standards of the Upper Adams School District, and the Administration will take appropriate action to address the issue. 

Okay, but then they moonwalked just a little ...

While we regret that the document contained some unfortunate word choices, we do respect all students and hope this does not distract from the dignity of the graduation ceremony and the accomplishments of our graduating class.

Saying "While we reget such-and-such" is the same as saying "We're sorry, but ..." It kind of negates the power of the apology. 

The sorry situation was a fairly minor and harmless event. But, I'm glad that parents protested. If we want our daughters to feel in control of their own bodies, rather than ashamed of them, we need to stay vigilant. Schools should respect and defend the rights of all students. 

This includes boys and anyone with "girls."

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my book  Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com. 

Dress Code

There is a storm brewing in my daughter's middle school. A much beloved principal retired last June and between her replacement and a new district superintendent, it has been an interesting year. Change was inevitable, as was the griping from nearly 500 students. (And don't get me started on how vocal a big bunch of nice, suburban parents can be!)

Like any modern mom, I've tried to explain that "Change can be good" and that my daughter and her friends should "Wait and see." They might even like the new regime better, I suggested.

Well, if the jury was out, it's back in now — and ready to hang someone for the latest in a string of new rules:

"No more yoga pants!"

OMG! WTF!

In all fairness, the principal did not specifically say "No yoga pants." In fact, he went out of his way to communicate to both students and parents that he wasn't going to outlaw a particular style of pant by name. And, clearly, there are other — shall we say — "form fitting" fashion choices. But the eighth grade buzz has focused on yoga pants. How dare they forbid yoga pants? How will we live without our yoga pants? What is the world (or, at least, the middle school) coming to?

For those of you who (a) do not take yoga and (b) do not have a daughter who shops at Abercrombie or American Eagle Outfitter or Hollister or Delia's or H&M or Forever 21 or PINK or Victoria's Secret, yoga pants are fairly stretchy and fairly tight. And fairly ubiquitous — you probably picked that up from my less than all-inclusive list of participating retailers. They typically have a contrasting waistband that can be rolled down and worn low across tween hips. They often have writing across the tush.

As the mother of a tween-going-on-teen, I for one would rather not draw attention to my daughter's tush. But, I digress.

Yoga pants are so-o-o-o-o-o comfortable and so-o-o-o-o-o popular. Virtually all of my daughter's female classmates have them and wear them regularly. Although I doubt many if any of these girls actually practice yoga.

Regardless, the loss of their basic human right to wear yogic pants had been taken away. So, what do any self-respecting middle schoolers do when they want to voice their collective displeasure with the powers that be? They mobilize via social media! (Hey, if it worked for Occupy Wall Street and the Egyptian revolution, it might work for yoga pants.) Word quickly spread via Facebook that on a certain day of a certain week, everyone should protest the new rule about not wearing yoga pants by ... wearing yoga pants

A plan that was simply brilliant in its brilliant simplicity.

I caught wind of this, but decided to let my daughter participate anyway. I thought: best case scenario, she will learn a little about activism. Worst case, she might get reprimanded for breaking the new dress code. It was a risk I was willing to take.

Sure enough, the act of defiance took place without a hitch. Girls wore their yoga pants and as far as they could tell, the school didn't shut down; the world did not come to an end. Instead, we the parents received another (less-gentle) reminder from the principal. We were encouraged not to allow our offspring to leave for school in "inappropriately tight" clothes. If pants were tight, the students had to wear long shirts over them. The specific rule was that when the student drops her arms to her sides, the fabric of the top has to reach as low as her middle finger.

A few days later, the girls and boys were separated during their "Advisory" block (or what us old-timers might have called homeroom). The boys went with their male teachers while the girls went with the female teachers. In this safe, sexually segregated environment, the kids once again heard about the dress code.

This bothered me a bit. As far as I know, there are no boys wearing yoga pants or jeggings or leggings or any other "inappropriately tight" legwear. So the rule is really for the middle school girls, isn't it?

I can imagine the conversation that the female faculty had with their female students: "If you wear tight pants and your shirt isn't long enough, you are breaking the rules."

But, I'm not so clear on what the male teachers said to the male students. "If a girl is wearing tight pants and her shirt isn't long enough, don't look?"

Then, while I understand why the principal didn't want to forbid certain pant types, it might have made a very subjective issue a little more objective. Just say it: "No leggings, no jeggings, no yoga pants. Period." Instead, as a mom, I've been asked not to let my daughter wear "inappropriately tight" clothing to school. Who's to say that what you and I find "inappropriate" or "tight" will be the same? There are differences in taste, in religious beliefs, in ethnic heritage that could easily influence each individual judgement call. Girls this age are also at a variety of different places in terms of their development. So, leggings that might not seem inappropriate on a skinny little seventh grader might look downright va-va-va-voom on an eighth grader who has already come out the other end of puberty.

For the record, I will not and have not ever allowed my daughter to go off to school in an outfit that was revealing or sexually provocative. That said, I will try to adhere to the new rules. If we have to buy some tunic-length tops to do that, so be it. Of course, my daughter was quick to point out that only "old ladies" wear long tunics over their yoga pants.

Can you guess what I was wearing when she said that? Um, yep.