What's The Matter With Adults These Days?

I've heard that there are some very informative and entertaining morning shows on TV.

Personally, I wouldn't know.

You see, from the moment I get up until my daughter is safely out the door, I don't sit down. There's breakfast to be made, lunch to be packed, homework to be nagged about, dress code to be double checked. There are plenty of last minute firedrills too ... "I can't find any clean gym shorts." Or "Can you proofread and print my 10-page science report?"

My husband does, from time to time, clue me in on any news he thinks is ... well ... newsworthy. These include hardcore journalism subjects like the arts, book reviews, fashion week, guest appearances by my favorite performers. But, this morning, he recorded a Today Show segment that I found particularly upsetting.

The story focused on Internet gossip in a small Missouri town. Not just any town, but Mountain Grove, where my mother grew up and where my sister, brother and I spent many of our childhood summers. According to reporter Kevin Tibbles, a number of residents there have been targeted with vicious gossip on a website called Topix. And, it is tearing up the community.

Mountain Grove is located about an hour from Springfield in the southern part of the state. Its population is 4,500 people, up by about 25% from the Mountain Grove I knew in the 1960s and 70s. The town's small size was only one of the features that made it such a contrast to my home in New York City.

We lived in a high rise in midtown Manhattan with a terrace, elevators and a doorman. But, in the summers, we enjoyed a different set of amenities. My grandmother's house on West First Street had big yards, front and back, a robust vegetable garden, an attic in which to play dress-up, and a cellar filled with canned peaches and pickles. We used to boast that we had the best of both worlds. Sophisticated city living during the school year, and clean country air and bare feet in July and August. And, one of the biggest differences was the anonymity of the big apple compared to the "everybody knows your name" feeling of small town America.

Well, it appears that some of the people in Mountain Grove not only know each other's names but have chosen to smear them online. The Today story included a woman who was accused of running a sex club and another who has been called "a whore with AIDS" and is planning to move away as soon as she can.

It's important to point out that the entire town is not participating. But, Topix, which claims to be the leading news community on the Web, "connecting people to the information and discussions that matter to them in every U.S. town and city," does have over 500 users in its Mountain Grove forum. Do some quick math and you realize that it's a significant percentage of the town's adults.

And, that's what troubles me most. We are talking about adults. When my daughter and her friends get into a little trouble online (and, believe me, they do — although, thankfully, nothing too serious), I chalk it up to immaturity and inexperience. We discuss what's appropriate — and what's not — frequently. My daughter would roll her eyes and say, "Yeah, way too frequently." The lessons I try to teach are also being echoed by school principals and guidance counselors. I always assume that she'll get through the troublesome tween years and grow into a respectful cyber citizen someday.

But, maybe I shouldn't be so confident. Look at the examples out there. Not just the mean-spirited posters in Mountain Grove — who I firmly believe are just a small if vocal minority of its citizens and whose behavior is in no way unique to that town. But, what about popular celebrities and our elected officials? There are too many scandals and far too many news stories about inappropriate tweeting, texting and emailing. Whatever happened to privacy? And good manners? And spelling?

Kids will be kids. In my day and age, pre-caller I.D., we made crank phone calls. We could be mean. There were certainly bullies. Gossip is nothing new, but even the most salacious whispered tidbit didn't circulate the way an online observation can today. We all know this. In theory, we all agree that it's a terrible thing. But, the bad behavior continues to grow and to get attention. I had never heard of Topix before this morning. If I want to start a nasty rumor, I know just where to go.

Many years ago, Stephen Sondheim wrote a poignant and very intelligent song for his musical Into the Woods, called "Children Will Listen." In it, he warns that we have to be careful of the things we do because children will look to us as models. They listen (sometimes), but more importantly they observe.

Let's hope that when it comes to living life out loud online, my daughter's generation will do as we say, and not as we do.

Facebook: Friend or Frenemy?

I'm the first to admit it. These are tough times to be raising a tween. But, I'm always surprised when my fellow moms behave like ostriches.

Let me give you an example ...

We are very lucky that my daughter's middle school sponsors an informative "Family Center" series with invited speakers on such topics as "Balancing Homework and Sports," "Raising a Resilient Child," or the always popular "Don't Panic, It's Just Puberty."

Recently, we had guest speakers from the county district attorney's office and a university research center for teen aggression. They came to talk to us about "Online Safety." Clearly, the topic was timely; the room was fairly packed with worried and white-knuckled parents. I don't mean to sound flippant. The issues are real, of course. There are criminals, pedophiles and sex offenders who prey on young people online. Far more common are instances of cyber bullying by peers, and we've all seen the headlines about some truly tragic consequences. A lot of these incidents begin on popular social networking sites, like Facebook.

None of this surprised me. What did surprise me was how many parents thought they could keep their kids safe by ignoring the whole thing.

"My daughter's not on Facebook!" one mother announced.

"Facebook is the devil," asserted another.

"We. Simply. Don't. Allow. It."

The guest speaker asked, "How many of your children have Facebook pages." Just about a quarter of the attendees raised their hands, a bit sheepishly I might add. The speaker shook his head. "I can pretty much guarantee that the real number is at least double that, probably triple." It turns out that millions, literally millions, of tweens post pages on Facebook without their parents' permission or knowledge. Virtually all middle school kids have played around on Facebook at a friend's house if it's not allowed in their own. Needless to say, my fellow parental units were none too happy to hear this.

As my daughter might say ... "Clue phone, it's for you!" Really, were these other parents living under a rock? Do they honestly think they can police their child's every move? Even if you have the strictest rules, state-of-the-art PC parental controls, or don't even own a computer ... chances are, your little darling has been exposed to the wonderful world of Facebook at someone else's house, at the library or even on a phone. Because, let's not kid ourselves. Those smart phones aren't just for calling and texting; they're fully-functioning palm-sized computers with access to the Internet and parents' enemy number one: Facebook.

But, I'd rather not look at Facebook as the big bad. In today's world, it's simply out there. Like traffic or unwashed fruit. As modern parents, I think we can teach our kids how to negotiate it safely. In fact, I'd rather be involved in giving my tween daughter some Internet savvy than pretend she doesn't need it. And, Facebook is a fairly easy place to start.

Despite much lobbying on her part, I waited to let my daughter join Facebook until she turned thirteen. This, by the way, is the minimum age allowed by the site itself. But, we all know how easy it is to fudge your age. After all ... "On the Internet, no one knows you're a tween." I waited, not because I was terribly worried about what would happen to her on the dreaded social network, but because I think that as a parent I should instill a respect for rules. I also believe that it doesn't serve anyone for me to just give in every time she discovers a new toy, new technology or new media channel. I'd like to think I'm teaching my daughter patience. I know I'm pacing things for my own sanity.

So she enthusiastically joined Facebook on her thirteenth birthday. I offered to help her set it up. Who was I kidding? Within minutes, she was not only up and running, she had dozens of "friends." Clearly, she had been practicing elsewhere.

Of course, I set up some ground rules:

1. She had to "friend" me. Not just me, but my entire network of loving spies: my mother, my sister, my business partners, my roommate from college.

2. She had to provide me with her user name and password. She is fully aware that I may check up on her at any time. This was unequivocally the cost of entry.

3. She had to promise never to post anything off color about herself or cruel about anyone else. I reminded her then (and still do fairly frequently) that nothing you post is private. And, everything you post is permanent. Just ask one of those idiot adults who lost a job, political office or grad school scholarship because of something they posted one intoxicated evening.

4. And, finally, she had to use full sentences, proper spelling, grammar and punctuation.

All right, I confess that this last rule was fairly unrealistic — actually utterly hopeless — from the beginning. But a middle-aged English major can try, can't she? Oh well ...

Spelling (or lack thereof) aside, we have had very few issues, I am happy to report. There have been a handful of occasions when my daughter has "Liked" an inappropriate page. And, I have been soundly reprimanded for calling her "munch" (short for "munchkin," I'm embarrassed to tell you) in a post on her wall. Otherwise, Facebook has given us (and our extended family and friends) a chance to catalog vacations and horse shows, share photos and anecdotes, enjoy memories and birthday wishes. I feel I know my daughter's friends a bit better thanks to their posts.

And, I will happily embrace any medium that keeps me connected to what's going on in her life as it begins to separate itself from mine.

Facebook is no more inherently evil than a telephone or a note passed in class. It's how you and your tween use it that matters. For this particular mom, making "friends" with Facebook has made a lot of sense.