Dear readers, you may have noticed that Lovin' the Alien has been on a bit of a hiatus over the past week. As much as I enjoy writing these posts, I'm afraid I've had other equally important things to do.
Hmmmm ... let's see. There was the stroll along the Mississippi, an elegant dinner with an old friend, touring an antebellum plantation, admiring the outrageous Halloween decorations in the French Quarter, antiquing on Magazine Street, swaying to live blues guitar, indulging in crawfish, alligator, étouffée and red beans and rice.
Plus all those mint juleps.
(Have you ever had a mint julep? They are cold and refreshing, garnished with sprigs of mint and filled with bourbon. Lots of bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon. In fact, mint juleps and the ladies' predilection for them account for all those elegant "fainting couches" in fine Southern homes.)
My husband and I planned this trip a few months ago. Our traveling partners (in crime) were another couple whom we met through work but who have become great friends. Our teenage daughter was not invited. Despite many wonderful family vacations there in years past, she has other things on her plate. Like school, homework, riding, concerts and her college application essay. (Cue theme from Jaws here.) My sister graciously agreed to come and stay.
Plus, it was supposed to be a grownup trip. And, as graduation and then college loom on the horizon, I have to get used to grownup trips again.
This particular mini-break proved good practice.
With the one-hour time change, not to mention the late-night revelry, I woke most mornings after the teen had already left for school. So no "Good morning" phone calls. By afternoon, we were usually out and about while my daughter was racing between her own activities back home. There were entire days when we didn't talk. A few years ago, this would have been unthinkable.
Well, for me, at least. She's never seemed to have an issue with it.
Of course, this being 2015 — and one of us being a millenial — we did manage to text. There were some pressing issues (costumes for an upcoming horse event, for example, or reports on the puppy's bad behavior). But even these acronym-riddled updates were few and far between.
And, I was actually okay.
My daughter is fairly self-sufficient these days. Almost entirely so, if I'm honest with myself. And, there was a loving, responsible adult on premise if there had been any kind of emergency. Things at home went smoothly. (And things in NOLA? Well, you can just re-read the first paragraph.) On our last day, my daughter called and asked me to check my email.
It was the first draft of her essay.
I'm anticipating much sorrow when my daughter goes away next year (note to self: buy stock in Kleenex, STAT!). But, there will be newfound freedoms and happy excursions too.
When freshman year begins, I really don't want to be one of those mother-daughter teams that talks or texts every single day (no matter how appealing that sounds right now). I think it's better for college students if we give them some space and let them solve their own problems.
For the first time, I think I may be able to handle this.
I'll just be spending a lot of time in New Orleans, dahlin'.
If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.
Our family vacation ended yesterday.
As we've done for many years, we sailed on an antique windjammer up in Maine for four days. Three of the four, we were completely shrouded in fog. On the last morning, the fog finally broke ... and it rained.
Not our best trip, weatherwise.
But, we saw four bald eagles, three harbor seals, and a pod of porpoises. We ate way too much (definitely held our own at the "all-you-can-eat" lobster bake). We met such nice and interesting people. We played with the captain's adorable four-year-old son. I got through ten back issues of The New Yorker. And, my daughter made a dent (a small dent, but a dent nonetheless) in her summer homework.
Last night, we came home to a happy, if slightly chubby, puppy. (He seems to have finagled his way into some extra treats from our housesitter while we were sailing.)
I also came home to 187 work emails.
Not spam emails. Not notes from friends emails. Not opt-in subscription newsletter or retail coupon or airline update emails.
Work emails. 187 work emails. Each more urgent than the last.
"Ah ha," you may be thinking, "She forgot to tell her clients and colleagues that she was on vacation." No, they knew. In fact, most of the emails began with "I hope you're enjoying your time off."
(Um ... I might enjoy it more if you weren't sending me emails.)
It's frustrating. You look forward to a family vacation (well deserved and not nearly as long as it should be). You work twice as hard as usual so you can actually go. Then you come home to twice as much work as usual waiting. So basically, in addition to unpacking and laundry and grocery shopping, you spend your last day of freedom trying to catch up so your head doesn't explode on your first day back.
Of course, this dismal situation isn't unique to me. My husband is catching up on his emails even as I type. And, my daughter still has two and a half chapters of bio, six more chapters of civics, three papers and Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. (In her defense, she tried reading that last one on the boat. She made it through page eight before she — literally — fell asleep.)
Back to my emails, though. I'm sorting through estimates from printers, feedback from clients, requests for proposals, background information to write copy, artwork to approve, minutes from board meetings, and an invitation to speak at a conference in October.
And I thought my head was in a fog on the boat!
Some of the emails are important. Some, not so much. Many could just as easily have waited until I got back officially. And, then there are the exponential emails on a single topic because everyone hits "Reply all." Too often, emails are sent after hours, even though nothing can really be done about them until the next business day. It feels like people are playing a game of electronic "hot potato." You see, once it's all in an email in my in-box, it's off their plate. Or their desk. Or maybe just their mind.
I'm glad someone can relax.
So, should we just forgo the family getaways? Give up on the mini breaks?
Is all the work and worry before, after and — in our almost always wired world — during a vacation really worth it?
You better believe it!
If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.
Despite ten feet of snow outside our house, our family went up to Vermont this past weekend. (The trip was planned months before greater Boston's "snowmageddon.") Apparently, the skiing was amazing (yours truly wouldn't know, since I spent my time in a coffee shop working on my laptop). My teenage daughter wanted to stay an extra day.
We said, "No."
We had our reasons. My husband and I both had to work Monday. We hadn't paid for a three-day weekend and it would mean getting in touch with the owner of the condo we'd rented and figuring all that out. Plus it would mean more money for lift tickets, ski rentals, restaurants. I was also feeling a little under the weather and wanted to get home.
At no point in our — albeit, brief — discussion did we worry about our daughter missing school.
Bad parents, right?
I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
Historically, we have pulled our daughter out of school many times for myriad reasons. It began, I think, in first grade when we let her miss school for a week so we could go to Disneyworld with another family (they pulled their two girls out as well). A year or two later, my sister and I took her on a cruise in late September (another week away). Then, there have always been the Friday absences in order to facilitate ski trips, sailing in Maine, weekends with family in New York and friends in Ohio.
It was certainly easier (and less controversial) when she was younger. Somehow missing a day of third grade isn't as daunting as missing two AP classes, Honors French, Physics and Pre-Calculus.
I do get that. But, I think our high school overreacts a bit.
This year, my daughter had an opportunity to train with a world-renowned equestrian coach. He was in the area and she had been accepted in his cross-country clinic (she was, btw, the only teenager in the group — the rest were all adults). Her participation would mean missing two studies and French. I said "Absolutely!"
The school said, "Absolutely not."
Sure, they let her leave, with a note sent in advance and accompanied by me, her mother and legal guardian. But, the next day, her transcript (available online in real time) said "Unexcused Dismissal." I called the school.
"You need a doctor's note," the woman in the office told me.
"But, she didn't go to the doctor," I explained.
"You still need a note."
So, here's the conundrum. Had I simply called in that morning and said she was sick and staying home, it would have been fine. She would have missed five classes rather than one. But, it would have been fine.
Had I forged a note from "a doctor," that probably would have been fine too.
But no, I told the truth, and my daughter was being punished. How does that make sense? And what lesson are we teaching my daughter?
Fortunately, I was able to contact her guidance counselor who, in turn, was able to fix everything. The "Unexcused Dismissal" became, simply, a "Dismissal." The counselor agreed with me that it had been a great opportunity and that my daughter would make up any work she missed. But, we'll think twice before we go ahead and do something like that again.
Maybe that's the whole point.
Last month, there was a story in The New York Times about whether discretionary school absences should be permitted. Jessica Lahey, the author and both a parent and teacher, explained "I have seen the havoc these absences can wreak on students and their teachers. It takes a lot of time to pre-plan for student absences, to package work that will approximate missed lessons, chase children down for that work, and invest extra one-on-one time in makeup sessions." Yet she admits that she's taken her own kids out of school for events and trips.
So what to do?
Some states have rules about "chronic truancy." But, that leaves a lot to interpretation. Although we've allowed our daughter to miss school at least a day or two every year, she's virtually never sick. So her attendance record is still quite good, better than most. Her grades are also good. This should all count for something, right?
Then again, am I in fact arguing that kids who tend to get sick and don't have great grades should be penalized where family vacations are concerned?
That isn't fair either.
I guess the school has to do what it feels is right for all its students, while I have to do what I feel is right for just my one. We aren't going to see eye-to-eye on this issue because our missions and responsibilities are different. That's all right. We don't see eye-to-eye on other things either.
Despite the great ski conditions in Vermont, my daughter was at school on time, homework done, this morning. (She wasn't exactly thrilled about it. But, she was there.)
For the next few weeks, I'll have to make sure she stays healthy and her attendance record is perfect.
Because we have a long weekend coming up the end of April.
If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.
