What is a teenager? Thefreedictionary.com defines it as: a person between the ages of 13 and 19; an adolescent.
I prefer to think of it as a walking contradiction.
It isn't just the emotional roller coaster (although those mood swings can be pretty extreme). I'm talking about the absolute dichotomy between what they say and what they do, what they think and what they feel.
Has your daughter transitioned from tween to teen? Here's a a quick checklist that can help you decide. If your daughter has exhibited any of these twelve traits, you are probably sharing your home with a bona fide teen. (Please keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times.)
Teens remember everything their mom has ever done wrong — and none of the things she's done right.
Teens can play the most complex video games — but can't figure out how to make their bed.
Teens will complain that they're getting fat — then eat an entire bag of cheesy poofs. Followed by a box of Fruit Roll-Ups.
Teens can hear a text come in from a cell phone buried in a coat pocket inside a closet three rooms away — but they can't hear their mother yelling "Dinner's ready."
Teens will remind you if their allowance is late — but conveniently forget to pay back any money they borrow.
Teens never want your opinion — except when they are looking for a correct answer on their geometry homework.
Teens have to be nagged to take a shower — but once they're in, they don't come out for hours.
Teens are often too tired to do their homework — but never too tired to watch the latest episode of The Lying Game, Switched at Birth or New Girl.
Teens spend an inordinate amount of time and money on how they look — while trying to make it look like they just rolled out of bed.
Teens do not want you to invade their personal space — except when they climb on your lap right before they ask you for something.
Teens treasure their individuality — and, at the same time, they are desperate to fit in.
And, last but not least, teens may be uncertain in many social situations — but they are absolutely certain that their moms know nothing.
Hey, it's not as if we were ever teenagers ourselves.
When kids are little, they are incredibly curious creatures. They love to ask the question, "Why?" In fact, no matter what you answer, they come back with the same question, "Why?" over and over. "Why, why, why?" It's like a funhouse room of mirrors and it can go on forever.
"Put your boots on."
"Why?"
"Because it's snowing."
"Why?"
"Because the water in the air froze."
"Why?"
"Because it's 20-degrees out."
"Why?"
"Because it's winter in Vermont."
"Why?"
"Because the Earth rotated and we're not near the sun."
"Why?"
Finally, the mom or dad gives up and answers, "Just because that's how it is." Or the even more honest, "I don't know." It's tough to go from being all-knowing parent to total ignoramus in just a few monosyllabic queries. But, there you have it.
Actually, the so-called "Why Game" is good practice for when your adorable little interrogator grows into a tween or teen. For two reasons, really. First, your adolescent offspring will question everything. And, I do mean every thing. And, second, because by that point, they already know that you know nothing.
But, it's always fun to turn the tables. I have several "Why?"s of my own these days:
"Why does my daughter forget what I've asked her to do ten minutes ago but remembers every promise I've made for the past ten years?"
"Why can't she get up at 6:30 am on a school day when she has no problem whatsoever getting up at 5:00 am to go to an offsite dressage competition?"
"Why can she hear a text message come in when her iPhone is in another room, but can't hear her father calling her to come downstairs for dinner?"
"Why did it take her weeks to finish To Kill A Mockingbird when she read the entire Twilight series over a weekend?"
"Why is she able to clean a horse, his tack and his stall but can't make her bed?"
"Why is she too full to eat the rest of her chicken but still has room for cookie dough, popcorn, ice cream and Skittles?"
"Why does it take her half an hour to get dressed if the whole point is to look like she doesn't care what she's wearing?"
"Why is any suggestion I make 'lame' when the exact same suggestion made by a BFF is greeted with enthusiasm?"
"Why did she miss so many answers on her math test when she can tell me to the penny how much allowance we owe her?"
And my personal favorite (paraphrased from the Colin Firth movie What a Girl Wants) ...
"Why is she so worried about fitting in when she was obviously meant to stand out."
