Best Bat Mitzvah Banter

The first time my now teenage daughter went to a bar mitzvah, she was barely five. It was one of the greatest events of her little life. 

She wore a diminutive Dior dress (a showroom sample my enterprising mother found in New York), she had an "updo." She sat at a table with other kids — and away from her parents. The bar mitzvah celebration included a DJ, dancers, stuffed animals, sunglasses, crazy hats and more. As we drove back to our hotel late that night, she fantasized aloud about her own bat mitzvah.

Um ... minor problem.

"We're not Jewish," we explained.

As elated as she had been with all the festivities, that's how deflated she was at the news. It seemed quite unfair if you asked her. Not that she really wanted to learn Hebrew or read the Torah, but the party part? Yes, quite unfair.

Since then, we've been to several bar and bat mitzvahs together. Sometimes we've even participated in the celebration — we lit candles for our nanny's two girls, and my daughter wrote and read a friendship speech two years ago.

Even though my daughter once longed for a bat mitzvah of her very own, she's definitely in awe (and a bit intimidated) by all the work that leads up to our young friends' readings in temple. Yet, in all the years, I've never seen a bar mitzvah boy or bat mitvah girl flub their lines. Even kids who are shy or quiet in their everyday life rise to this important occasion. (We did have one small girl who broke down in tears while she made a little speech about how much she appreciated her parents and sister. But, she kept going. And, honestly, it was all the more meaningful.)

The 13-year olds aren't the only ones expected to speak either. Whether in the temple or at the spectacular after-party, moms and dads (and sometimes siblings) share their thoughts about how hard their child has worked and how proud they are of him or her. These are emotional tributes at an emotional time. Because we generally know the family, we usually feel honored to be part of it all.

But they rarely make us laugh. Out loud. A lot.

Last week, at a spectacular bat mitzvah party (after a truly impressive performance in temple), we were treated to a bit of cross-generational humor that I'd like to share with you.

Our young friend's father made his way to the dance floor (no easy feat, given the presence of smoke machines and laser lights, and waitresses passing sushi on platters of dry ice) and educated us all.

After the usual remarks of awe and appreciation about his daughter's accomplishment that weekend, he proceeded to fill us all in on some of the key words and phrases she and her friends use to communicate. Ever the successful businessman, he even had a PowerPoint deck. 

TBH                                            To be honest
Ravé                                           Rave or party
Optimus banterous                     Talk of the town
Q Scandalous                             Lots of fun
Tha Bae's                                   Your friends
BTW                                           By the way
NGL                                            Not going to lie
Dungers                                      Outfit
Totes swag                                 Really great
LUSMS                                       Love you so much

This being jolly old England, it was particularly fun to note any variances between the UK and US. (At times, I felt like I was learning text talk by way of Harry Potter. It was smashing.)

He ended the speech by putting all of it together in a special message for his daughter, which he read aloud to the delight of partygoers old and (especially) young:

YO, TBH, YOUR RAVÉ WILL BE V OPTIMUS BANTEROUS. Q SCANDALOUS WITH THAT BAE'S.

BTW, YOUR DUNGERS IS TOTES SWAG. LUSMS!

The party was, most definitely optimus banterous. All the more so, TBH, thanks to our young friend's proud papa.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my new book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com. 

The War of the Wives

The other morning, I took about a half hour off from work, poured a nice hot cup of decaf (with unsweetened soy milk which, regardless of the faces my husband might make, actually tastes yummy) and watched Michelle Obama's DNC speech. Despite my best intentions, I simply couldn't stay up late enough to tune in live the night before. But, if there's one thing I've learned from my teen daughter it's that you can find pretty much anything you need on YouTube. 

All I can say is "Wow."

She was articulate, compelling, intelligent, passionate, informed, patriotic ... all the things you want in the leader of the free world. But, wait a minute.

She's not running for president, people. She's vying for another four years as the president's spouse.

Another also excellent speech was made last week at the RNC. Ann Romney, by nearly all accounts, stole the show in Tampa from her husband. And, unlike the equally artful address made by vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan, her speech wasn't ruined by a bunch of spoil-sport fact-checkers afterwards.

(Yes, I admit that I believe she and Mitt ate a lot of tuna on an ironing board. Why this helps a millionaire governor's son relate to the middle class is beyond me, but I do believe it.)

Regardless of your party affiliation or the platform you believe in, isn't it interesting that the wives have been pulled out to stump for their husbands this year? With both women rising to the occasion so well, it seems that the election may be a popularity contest with a twist ...

Who would you rather have — playing hostess — in the White House?

Don't get me wrong. I loved, loved, loved Michelle's speech. I also absolutely admired Ann's. But, what bothers me is that these women are not policymakers or elected representatives. They are speaking to the conventions and, let's face it, to the nation, as wives. In a court of law, they wouldn't have to testify against their husbands. But, clearly they can go ahead and praise them till kingdom come.

Both were there to give us insight into our president and his opponent as people. As husbands and fathers. Both may have been there to woo the women's vote. Both were able to subtly weave their respective party platforms into their heartfelt "You can trust me, I'm just a wife and mother" addresses. Regardless of why and how and what they said, both were undeniably successful.

And their impact is enormous. In popularity polls, both wives are now leaving their husbands in the dust.

All in all, I love it that the two convention speeches that were most important, most electrifying and most far-reaching this year were made by women. Right on! 

But, I can't help but look forward to the day (soon I hope, for the sake of my daughter and her peers), when more women will be there in more official roles. And not merely as the eloquent eye-candy on the arms of a future victor and his vanquished.