Would You Care To Buy A Vowel?

Earlier this week, I wrote about learning a second (or in my teenage daughter's case, a third) language in college and the potentially painful physical consequences of too much texting.

This morning, I'm going to combine those two topics and share highlights (or, I should probably say, lowlights) of a glossary I recently came across. 

If you're the parent of a teen or tween, you already know how fast those young fingers can zip across a smartphone keypad. And, if you've been on the receiving end of texts, you also know how rare it is to see a mark of punctuation or even a vowel. And, it isn't simply a matter of shorthand. Texters have developed their own language, much of it created not just for speed but for subterfuge.

Here is a quick A-Z of some of the naughtiest (and in some cases, grossest) texting acronyms.

Be warned, however, if you bother to commit these to memory, they are sure to be replaced as quickly as ... well, as quickly as your daughter or son can text.

AYMM - Are you my mother?
BOBFOC - Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch
CU46 - See you for sex
DBABAI - Don't be a bitch about it
ESADYFA - Eat sh*t and die, you f*cking a**hole
FOGC - Fear of getting caught
GNOC - Get naked on camera
HPOA - Hot piece of a** 
IITYWYBMAD - If I tell you, will you buy me a drink?
JEOMK - Just ejaculated on my keyboard (Editorial note: ew!)
KPC - Keeping parents clueless
LHOS - Let's have online sex
MIRL - Meet in real life
NNWW - Nudge, nudge, wink, wink
OSINTOT - Oh sh*t, I never thought of that
POMS - Parent over my shoulder
Q2C - Quick to c*m
RU//18 - Are you under 18?
SFB - Sh*t for brains
TBIU - The bitch is ugly
UFUF - You f*ck, you fix
VRBS - Virtual reality bullsh*t
WTGP - Want to go private?  
XTC - Ecstacy
YCMTSU - You can't make this sh*t up
ZMG - Oh my God!

And, yes, ZMG is exactly how I feel right about now.

There used to be a gameshow (a very silly gameshow) called Bumper Stickers, in which contestants tried to decipher vanity license plates. I can imagine a new one: The Ten Thousand Dollar Text, or Wheel of Texting, or Family Fingers.

The only problem is that the average age of a gameshow enthusiast is 57.

And that's just TFO. 

(Too f*cking old.)
  
If you've enjoyed this post, I invite you to order the book Lovin' the Alien here.     
 
 

Speak the Speech, I Pray You Sis

As an advertising copywriter, I've had to learn a lot of new languages. Not German or Spanish or Japanese or French (an actual language, which after eleven years of classes, I should speak beaucoup better than I do, mon dieu). But, more like CFO or IT Guy or Lawyer or Airline Executive. Much of the client work that my partners and I take on is business-to-business high tech. Our target audience has to believe in the solutions we're selling. 

And speaking their language is an important part of building that trust.

Speaking Teen, on the other hand, doesn't seem to work like that. In the trust department, I think I actually lose ground every time I try to use the vernacular shared by my daughter and her peers. Maybe it's because I'm so old. Or maybe because what comes out of my mouth is so wrong. Then again, it could be a lethal combination of both. Old and wrong. There are nuances I just don't get. 

By the way, "You don't get it," appears to mean the same thing in my language and in my daughter's. It's a sort of cross-generational Esperanto.

I certainly don't pretend to be fluent in this younger native's tongue. Words are words, but context is everything. And usage and definition don't always go hand in hand. But, whether you can converse or not, having a dictionary is helpful when you're trying to translate. So here, in mostly-alphabetical order, are some of the latest additions to the language of Teen. Good luck.

Not to worry. You won't be tested. And the revolution won't be televised either (but you can probably follow it on Snapchat).

AF
This is an acronym for "as f*ck." Apparently that's a good thing, because it's used to add emphasis. So, someone's not just a "babe," they're a "babe af."

Boots
This is added to the end of any word to approximate adding "very" to the beginning of it. E.g., "I'm hungry boots." "I'm tired boots." "I'm broke boots."

Cheddar
Another word for money. Many teens work after school to "make that cheddar." If they're "broke boots," they have "no cheddar."

Doing laundry
Well, does your teenager ever do laundry? Neither does mine. This means "hiding something from your parents."

Extra
A person who is trying too hard. (Like me, right now, reminding my daughter that her AP Bio test is Tuesday.)

OTP
Your OTP is your "one true pairing," the celebrity couple for whom you wish an impossibly perfect relationship.
 
Ratchet
Something particularly messy. As in, "My daughter's room is so ratchet right now." (Now and always.) 

Sis
This means buddy and, technically, it's short for "sistuh." It's the same as saying "Bro," but with a feminist slant.

Ship
Short for relationship, but used as a verb. If you "ship Brad and Angelina," it means they are your OTP. 

(See how this all works together?)
 
Snatched
Anything that looks really fine on someone. For those of you (like me) trying to keep up, "Snatched" is the new "Fleck."

Stan
To stan someone is to obsess about them. You could stan Justin Bieber by going to all his concerts and getting a Biebs tat.
 
Sus
An action with questionable motives. "She knows he's trying not to smoke, so giving him that bong was sus."

Thirsty
Another word for "desperate." Like that guy who won't take "no" for an answer? "He's so thirsty!"

Watch Netflix and chill
Used as an invitation, this means you don't actually want to watch Netflix. You don't actually want to chill. You actually want to "hook-up."

Extra, out of alphabetical order, but apropos of the above ...

Hook-up
Have sex. No strings attached.

You may have already known that last one. (And/or, you may (like me) have been corrected when you used the phrase to mean anything other than the above. 

Me: "I'm going to hook up with Lauren for a movie this afternoon."

Her: "I don't think so, Mom."

See what I mean about usage versus definition?

I mean, Lauren is my BFF, but ...

If you've enjoyed this post, I invite you to order the book Lovin' the Alien here.  

Best Bat Mitzvah Banter

The first time my now teenage daughter went to a bar mitzvah, she was barely five. It was one of the greatest events of her little life. 

She wore a diminutive Dior dress (a showroom sample my enterprising mother found in New York), she had an "updo." She sat at a table with other kids — and away from her parents. The bar mitzvah celebration included a DJ, dancers, stuffed animals, sunglasses, crazy hats and more. As we drove back to our hotel late that night, she fantasized aloud about her own bat mitzvah.

Um ... minor problem.

"We're not Jewish," we explained.

As elated as she had been with all the festivities, that's how deflated she was at the news. It seemed quite unfair if you asked her. Not that she really wanted to learn Hebrew or read the Torah, but the party part? Yes, quite unfair.

Since then, we've been to several bar and bat mitzvahs together. Sometimes we've even participated in the celebration — we lit candles for our nanny's two girls, and my daughter wrote and read a friendship speech two years ago.

Even though my daughter once longed for a bat mitzvah of her very own, she's definitely in awe (and a bit intimidated) by all the work that leads up to our young friends' readings in temple. Yet, in all the years, I've never seen a bar mitzvah boy or bat mitvah girl flub their lines. Even kids who are shy or quiet in their everyday life rise to this important occasion. (We did have one small girl who broke down in tears while she made a little speech about how much she appreciated her parents and sister. But, she kept going. And, honestly, it was all the more meaningful.)

The 13-year olds aren't the only ones expected to speak either. Whether in the temple or at the spectacular after-party, moms and dads (and sometimes siblings) share their thoughts about how hard their child has worked and how proud they are of him or her. These are emotional tributes at an emotional time. Because we generally know the family, we usually feel honored to be part of it all.

But they rarely make us laugh. Out loud. A lot.

Last week, at a spectacular bat mitzvah party (after a truly impressive performance in temple), we were treated to a bit of cross-generational humor that I'd like to share with you.

Our young friend's father made his way to the dance floor (no easy feat, given the presence of smoke machines and laser lights, and waitresses passing sushi on platters of dry ice) and educated us all.

After the usual remarks of awe and appreciation about his daughter's accomplishment that weekend, he proceeded to fill us all in on some of the key words and phrases she and her friends use to communicate. Ever the successful businessman, he even had a PowerPoint deck. 

TBH                                            To be honest
Ravé                                           Rave or party
Optimus banterous                     Talk of the town
Q Scandalous                             Lots of fun
Tha Bae's                                   Your friends
BTW                                           By the way
NGL                                            Not going to lie
Dungers                                      Outfit
Totes swag                                 Really great
LUSMS                                       Love you so much

This being jolly old England, it was particularly fun to note any variances between the UK and US. (At times, I felt like I was learning text talk by way of Harry Potter. It was smashing.)

He ended the speech by putting all of it together in a special message for his daughter, which he read aloud to the delight of partygoers old and (especially) young:

YO, TBH, YOUR RAVÉ WILL BE V OPTIMUS BANTEROUS. Q SCANDALOUS WITH THAT BAE'S.

BTW, YOUR DUNGERS IS TOTES SWAG. LUSMS!

The party was, most definitely optimus banterous. All the more so, TBH, thanks to our young friend's proud papa.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my new book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com. 

Think Twice, Text Once

About twelve years ago, I was running a much larger ad agency than I do today. There were good things about it: a schnazzy office, a corporate credit card, a reason to wear something other than yoga clothes. There were also significant downsides ... 

45 creative, passionate people. 45 sensitive, supersized egos. 

In a word ... drama.

One afternoon, a vice president account director rushed into my office in a panic. "What do I do? What do I do?" It wasn't so much about what he needed to do as it was about what he had already done. He'd received an unfortunate email from a colleague. When I say "unfortunate," I mean she was snotty, stubborn, downright condescending. He immediately forwarded her email to me (I was his and her supervisor) with a snide observation including a term that rhymed with Ducking Rich (hint: try an F and a B). As often happens in the wonderful world of email, he did not in actuality send it to me. He accidentally sent it back to her.

"What do I do? What do I do?"

When email became the norm for interoffice communication, we had to teach all of our staff some new rules for this new world. Don't use all caps (IT WILL SEEM LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING). Never hit "reply all" unless you really, truly, absolutely, unequivocally want to reply all. Don't hit "send" without proofreading the message first. Don't say anything negative about clients or coworkers (or the Bush administration). 

And, perhaps most important, never put anything in email that would be better communicated in person.

Alas, our teens need similar guidelines in their all-text, all-the-time social lives. There are many conventions (and assumptions) that I don't understand. (For example, did you know that if you include a period in your text sentiment it means that you're mad? Ugh, I can't keep track. Period.) But, what I do understand is how words can clear things up or muddy them completely. How you can diffuse a potential storm or stir one up out of seemingly nothing at all.

And, in this at least, my daughter recognizes and truly appreciates that I can help.

Typically, my intervention (she actually seeks it out, believe it or not) occurs in the car when I'm driving her somewhere. Or she bursts into my office — whether I'm on a conference call or not — distraught because so-and-so misunderstood what she said about what's-her-name. "What do I do? What do I do?"

While I hate to see her so distressed, I welcome these opportunities to teach her about all the nuances of effective communication that they simply do not cover in the Honors English program. Like ...

• Giving the other person a graceful way to save face (even when you think they are — and should admit they are — utterly in the wrong).

• Apologizing for any misunderstanding (even when you believe that any such misunderstanding is theirs and not yours).

• Backing away from a conflict (even when it would be way more satisfying to stay and fight it out).

• Realizing that less really is more (even though you have so much more you want, need, frrrrkin' must say).

• And, finally, giving up a new argument in order to save an old friendship. 

Teen girls (I can only speak for the girls; it may be very much the same for teen boys) are all about the drama. They are quick to find offense and not always quick enough to forget it. And girls like my daughter wear their hearts on their sleeves. Or, these days, on the text screens of their iPhones.

With careful wordsmithing, together, we have extricated my darling girl from many a thorny text situation. She appreciates this ("She likes me. She really likes me.") and I derive more than a little satisfaction from our successes.

It's nice to feel that mother knows best once in a while ... even if it's only once in a very, very long while.

If you enjoyed this post, order a copy of my new book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.

OMG! WTF? TTYL

Reader, I fought the good fight. In my heart of hearts, I sincerely do believe in the value of grammar, spelling, punctuation, capitalization. I love a thick book; I revel in a well-turned phrase. I have resisted change with every fiber of my learned and literate being. But, I give up.

If you want your tween to listen to you, you have to learn to speak their language. You have to use their preferred communications channel. You have to shun the Queen's English in lieu of the brave new world of acronyms we call ... text talk.

Until my recent surrender, a typical post-school text dialogue with my daughter might have gone something like this:

Her: hi

Me: Hi honey. How was school today?

Her: k

Me: How did you do on the French quiz?

Her: k

Me: Where are you?

Her: strbks

Me: When will you be home?

Her: 4

Me: Okay, have fun. Say "hi" to Mary for me. See you soon. xxx

Her:

Me: Hello?

Her: bi

Clearly, my preference for formal prose was not working in my favor. As you can see, I lost my daughter's attention a while ago. Besides, my middle-age thumbs can't keep up with all those letters, punctuation marks, spaces or my iPhone's awkward shift key. So, I am throwing in the towel, and now I must learn a whole new language. You're invited to come along.

When traveling in a foreign country, it's helpful to have a dictionary in the back of your guide book. The land of tween is no different. Here's an abbreviated glossary of texting abbreviations to get you started:

ayt = are you there?

b = be

b4 = before

bbfn = bye bye for now

bbl = be back later

bcuz = because

bf = boyfriend

bffs = best friends forever

c = see

da = the

d8 = date

dnt = don’t

dznt = doesn’t

eva = ever

g2g = got to go

gf = girlfriend

hw = homework

im = I am

lol = laughing out loud

lmao = laughing my ass off

lmfao = laughing my f*cking ass off

mos = mom over shoulder

np = no problem

nvr = never

nw = no way

omg = oh my God

p911 = parent alert

pal = parents are listening

plz = please

pos = parent over shoulder

ppl = people

r = are

rite = right/write

skewl = school

sry = sorry

sum1 = someone

sup = what's up?

tmi = too much information

ttfn = ta ta for now

ttyl = talk to you later

ur = your, you are

w8 = wait

wb = write back

w/e = whatever

wtf = what the f*ck!

y = why?

It pains me to report that OMG and LOL were recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary. So, clearly, there's no going back now. But, maybe that's all right. After all, languages are fluid phenomena; they evolve with the issues of the times and as civilization's thought leaders add new words. (Just ask Shakespeare ... or Sarah Palin.)

In that spirit, I'd like to suggest adding a few tween momisms to the language of text talk:

dyhw = do your homework

gopc = get off the computer

waj = wear a jacket

gocp = get off the cell phone

cyr = clean your room

2mm = too much makeup

And my favorite ...

biss = because I said so

That's all for now. I encourage you to study this list; I'm going to test you later. But, don't worry ... spelling won't be counted. bb4n