Can Teens Stress Less?

Earlier this week, I attended a workshop at my daughter's high school with another mother (and good friend). The topic was helping teenagers handle stress. If you've been following "Lovin'  the Alien" for the past few years, it will come as absolutely no surprise whatsoever that I left the program ...

STRESSED!

About 35 parents attended, mostly moms, as per usual. The woman who spoke — she was tall, thin and French, grrrrr — presented findings from the APA, the American Psychological Association. The rather disturbing results were part of a recent Stress in America study.

Our speaker was quick to point out that stress in and of itself is not necessarily bad. Stressors exist (oy vey, do they exist!), and our physiological, cognitive and behavioral reactions enable us to respond. Appropriately. Or not. (It's kind of like a more thoughtful version of the primitive "fight or flight" idea.) It's how we handle the stress, how we cope, that makes the difference.

Today's teens are under an inordinate amount of stress and their coping mechanisms are ... shall we say ... a wee bit underdeveloped.

In the study, teens were asked what they perceived to be a "healthy level of stress." They identified an average of 3.9 out of a 1-to-10 scale. But, when they were asked how much stress they were actually under, they averaged 5.8.

That's a lot of extra stress!

When asked about symptoms of stress, 74% of teens reported having experienced more than one of the following:

Feeling irritable or angry
Feeling nervous or anxious
Fatigue
Lying awake at night
Headaches
Feeling like they're about to cry
Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling depressed or sad
Changes in sleeping habits
Skipping meals
Upset stomach

Teenagers aren't typically great decision-makers; at least not where the concept of consequences comes in. So even though there are positive, productive things they might do to address stress, many choose exactly the opposite. For example, physical activity (doing calisthenics, taking a walk) relieves stress. But, more teens choose sedentary activities like video games, going online, and watching TV. 

My own daughter is very bright; she certainly knows that vegging in front of Dance Moms isn't going to get her French essay written. Any relief an hour with Miss Abby and the Junior Elite Dance Team provides will be temporary at best. She knows it. And, I certainly know it. But, in the constant push-me/pull-you of parenting a teenager, we choose our battles. Pointing out that procrastination will only increase stress would be ... well ... stressful. Hella stressful!

What about suggesting yoga, meditation, mindfulness?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Pardon me. Okay. I can continue now.

All I can do is try to be aware, try to (quietly, gently, subtly) affect her attitude when I can. Try to model positive behavior and stress management.

Just keep going, I guess. That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. (Or makes us play video games and eat chocolate.) And I'll try to remember ...

"A diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well."

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.  

Teens Stressed? Duh!

Last night, my teenage daughter had a bit of a meltdown. She had returned from the stable (practicing her driving there and back) and was getting ready to embark on what can only be described as an unreasonable load of homework plus prep for a last-minute math test. Her iPhone was acting funky, and — for several agonizing minutes — it appeared that all of the photos she had downloaded in the past year (concerts and friends and Photography 2 assignments) were missing from her laptop. OMG! I was able to find the pictures, but the damage to my offspring's nervous system had been done.

Quite simply, my daughter was stressing out. And, for the record, when she's stressed, we're all stressed.

So, this morning, when I saw the headlines reporting the findings of a recent "Stress in America Survey" by the American Psychological Association, my immediate reaction was ... "Duh!"

Teens More Stressed Out Than Adults, Survey Shows

America's Teens Outscore Adults On Stress

Teens Are Stressed Especially During School Year

New Study: Many Teens Report Being Under Stress

Teens Feel The Stress — And Many Don't Manage It Well

I repeat. "Duh!"

We all tend to romanticize the carefree (high technology-free) days of the past. I know this. But, I am absolutely positive that my high school days were less stressful than my child's. I was a high-achieving kid in a school full of high-achieving kids (when I say the girls in my graduating class were "rocket scientists," I'm not using the phrase as slang; I'm being quite literal). I had after school activities. I applied early-decision to a very selective university and got in.

Bottom line? I was no slacker.

But, I just didn't have to manage the same level of pressure.

These days, in communities like ours, students start taking AP courses sophomore year. The top performers are in a constant battle with each other for the kind of through-the-roof transcripts they need to get into Harvard, Yale or Princeton. Remember when a 4.0 was enough? Welcome to the world of weighted GPAs!

Add to this the pressure to perform athletically. The pressure to participate in resume-building community service activities. The pressure to keep up with each other — constantly — via social media. 

WTF? There'd be something wrong with our kids of they weren't stressed out.

Last night was a bit of a wake-up call for me. And it was underscored by the APA's survey. 27% of teens describe themselves as "extremely stressed." 34% expect that stress to increase. 40% report feeling irritable or angry; 36% feel nervous or anxious. Most react to the stress by eating, going online or "snapping at their friends." Very few turn to positive outlets like exercise or meditation. (Not surprising; very few adults do either.)

Teen girls are more stressed out than teen boys. And, finally, stress is associated with depression, anxiety, sleep disorders and eventually chronic illness.

So, here's what I'm going to try to do. Lay off a little. Just as my daughter is under pressure to perform, moms like me are under pressure to push their children further, faster, higher. We see the problems, but we worry about easing off and thereby keeping our kids from reaching their full potential. We are also caught up in the race to the top. Our high school has become so focused on "student outcomes" (state and standardized test scores, admissions to elite schools) that the curriculum and individual education is suffering. The place is like a pressure cooker.

In fact, my daughter's mental and emotional and psychological health would probably be better if she were homeschooled.

Except the stress would probably kill me.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my new book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.