The F-Word

What do we want for our daughters?

I think most mothers of teens would agree that we want our daughters to be happy and smart and kind and successful. I think, if we're honest, we'd also say that we want them to be beautiful and lucky in love. (Despite our best efforts, that Disney-princess "happy ever after" thing is hard to get away from.)

In my case, I'd also add that I want my daughter to be a feminist. (I recently wrote an essay for Women's Voices for Change on that very subject.) Every time my daughter stands up for herself, notices an inequity or admires another woman for all the right reasons, my pride is palpable.

That's one reason I've been happy with some of the contemporary books she chooses to read. (Would I be happier if she reached for Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë or Louis May Alcott? Well ... um ... YES. I may be a feminist mother but I was also an English major.) Today's popular YA (young adult) dystopian genre includes some fairly kick-ass heroines.

One of these is Tris from Veronica Roth's Divergent series. Even though she's a little too swoony when it comes to her hunky trainer Four, the girl is one tough cookie. Leaping from moving trains, climbing abandoned ferris wheels, hand-to-hand combat (with boys, no less!), this is not a girl who sits at home waiting for the phone to ring while her manicure dries.

When the movie version was released a few months ago, I was happy that Hollywood resisted the urge to take Tris and glam her up for the big screen. Sure, young star Shailene Woodley looks super sultry on the poster, but in the film itself, she is strong and seemingly make-up free. Both Divergent and its precursor The Hunger Games depict future societies in which women live and work (and, apparently, fight to the death) alongside men.

(And the fictional heroines aren't the only inspiration for our teens. Both bestselling novels were written by, you guessed it, women. You go, girls!)

You'd think all this girl power would rub off on the young actress lucky enough to star in Divergent. Earlier this month, TIME magazine asked Woodley if she was a feminist. But, her answer surprised me. Surprised and, frankly, disappointed.

"No because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance. With myself, I’m very in touch with my masculine side. And I’m 50 percent feminine and 50 percent masculine, same as I think a lot of us are. And I think that is important to note. And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance.

My biggest thing is really sisterhood more than feminism. I don’t know how we as women expect men to respect us because we don’t even seem to respect each other. There’s so much jealousy, so much comparison and envy. And “This girl did this to me and that girl did that to me.” And it’s just so silly and heartbreaking in a way."

So, according to Woodley, sisterhood and feminism have nothing to do with each other. Oh, and you can't be a feminist and love a man. (This will be unhappy news for my husband.)

Shailene, honey, here's the deal ...

Let's start with the F-word itself. Who better to turn to for an official definition than the movement's mother superior, Gloria Steinem?

"A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men." 

Even without the last two words, Steinem doesn't say anything about taking away anybody's power. You would think the word "equality" would be inarguable.

What have feminists fought for? Freedom. Respect. True citizenship. Women's rights to make choices, to work outside the home, to be represented in government, to have access to healthcare.

Girlfriend, don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Shailene, the next time you vote or earn a half a million dollars for a movie (or speak your mind in a national magazine), thank your real sisters. 

The feminists.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my new book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com. 

Adam and Election Eve

Tomorrow is Election Day and I'm torn. 

Half of me can't wait for all of this to be over: the debates on TV, the debates on Facebook, the endless advertising, all the phone calls (Matt Damon and Bill Clinton both left messages for me last week!). 

The other half is terrified that voters will undo what I perceive to be progress in the areas of peacekeeping, human and civil rights, equality, healthcare and social services.

I make no secret of my own political leanings. But, I hope I haven't rammed them down anyone's throats. I truly believe in democracy. I believe that my opinion is no more valid than yours even if they are different. And, if that means that my candidate, my party and my platform are defeated by a real majority of the people, then I have to accept that.

But, more than anything else, I believe that we have to vote. There are people in this world today who literally risk their lives in order to be counted. Don't we owe it to them to exercise our right tomorrow?

And, there's another group of people to whom we should dedicate the simple action of going to the nearest polling place and casting a vote. The women, here in the U.S., who put their lives on the line to assure that we had a say in our own government.

"Well done, sister suffragette."

It was a long and difficult road from the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848 until the 19th Amendment was ratified in 1920. We owe Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott, Susan B. Anthony, Alice Paul, and so many other brave women our thanks for what may seem obvious to our generation: the right to determine how and by whom we are governed. I find it interesting (and distressing) that a nation founded on the principles of liberty and equality not only took over a century to extend voting rights to half of its population, but that we lagged behind a number of countries, including Denmark, Lithuania and New Zealand.

If the many women (and some men) who marched on Washington in 1913 were miraculously transported to 2012, there would be much to astound them. Digital technology, air travel, penicillin, a black president. But, if the same time-traveling people learned that women today have the right to vote (thank-you), but don't always use it, how would they feel? In the 2010 congressional election, less than half of female citizens over the age of 18 voted. Only 46.2%, which is appalling until you realize that even less, just 45%, of their male counterparts did.

Why did thousands of American women risk imprisonment, police brutality and social censure back in the early twentieth century? So they could vote, certainly. But, more importantly, so that their children and their children's children would live in a country that offered all of its citizens a fair and equal say in their government.

Ladies, we owe it them. We owe it to ourselves and future generations. Go to the polls tomorrow, stand on line if you have to, but vote. It's your hard-fought right. Please don't waste it.

And, one more thing. Take your daughter with you.