Girls Who Get It

This weekend (like most weekends), my daughter competed in an equestrian event. It was a fairly big ("USEA recognized") competition and, as often happens, they were running a little late. This meant that she and her horse were ready and adequately warmed up for her stadium jump course about twenty minutes before she was actually able to do said stadium jump course. 

And this meant that my usually unflappable girl was starting to get nervous.

One of the two coaches who was with us tried to distract her. First, she suggested that my daughter offer cross-country tips to a younger rider who would be competing later in the afternoon. Then she asked about college applications.

Alas, when you're an eighteen-year-old high school senior, all roads lead to questions about college applications.

"What are you writing your essay on?" asked the coach.

"The ERA," replied my daughter, circling her horse to keep him from getting bored or lazy or distracted or all of the above.

"What's that?" asked the coach.

"That," I interjected, "Is the problem. You don't know what it is because we ain't got it yet."

It's not this young woman's fault, mind you. (She's actually extremely bright and capable, having recently graduated from college and currently working as a special ed teacher when she isn't coaching young equestrians.) It's neither cool nor commonplace for her generation to identify as feminist.

Growing up on Manhattan's upper westside in the liberal and activist 1970s, we all knew what the ERA was. In fact, at a very young age, I marched in protest and solidarity alongside friends and their feminist mothers. It worries me to no end that today's girls and young women are so disengaged with the issue of women's rights.

For those of you who may think Lovin' the Alien is becoming redundant (see last month's "The Good Witch and the F-Word") ... fear not! I have good news this time.

In the summer of 2014, SheKnows Media launched a program to introduce the concept of feminism to a group of tween girls. Many of them didn't know what the term meant (one young lady asserted that she'd never even heard it before). After a year of workshops and exercises, these girls now self-dentify as feminists and have very clear definitions. 

"Feminism is everyone being equal whether they're a boy or a girl."

"Just because of our gender doesn't mean we should be treated differently."

And, most exciting, the concept has made them feel more empowered, not less.

"I believe women can do anything."

"Feminism has given me more confidence than I thought possible."

And my favorite ... "Being feminist just gives you that aura of greatness."


You go, girls!  

Watch a quick video here. Then start using the f-word with your daughters.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my book  Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com. 

The Good Witch and the F-Word

A couple of days ago, I had tea with a number of intelligent and stylish and (happily) progressive women. After the usual civilities ("Where do you live?" "What do you do?") and several cucumber sandwiches, the conversation turned toward the current attack on Planned Parenthood. Several of the group were a decade or so older than I, and had been active in the 1974 fight for the ERA. (I was only 12 at the time, but thanks to my best friend's famous feminist mother, I was acutely aware of the women's rights movement.) As we refreshed our tea and moved on to petits fours and chocolate covered strawberries, we bemoaned the fact that our daughters and granddaughters don't have enough feminist role models.

For many young women, the F-word (no, not that one) isn't cool anymore. It's become synonymous with "man-hater" or "lesbian." When Shailene Woodley, the young star of the Divergent dystopian action series was asked "Do you consider yourself a feminist?" she answered this way:

"No because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance. With myself, I’m very in touch with my masculine side. And I’m 50 percent feminine and 50 percent masculine, same as I think a lot of us are. And I think that is important to note. And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance."

I'd argue that she's 50 percent ignorant and 50 percent immature. And 100 percent silly. But, that's just my opinion.

Happily, my daughter and her cohorts do have a marvelous role model — and it's someone they grew up with. Emma Watson, best known as the overachieving little witch from the Harry Potter movies and recent Ivy League graduate, became a Goodwill Ambassador for UN Women last year. 


Here is a speech she made in its entirety (if you'd rather watch it, click here):

Today we are launching a campaign called for HeForShe. I am reaching out to you because we need your help. We want to end gender inequality, and to do this, we need everyone involved. This is the first campaign of its kind at the UN. We want to try to mobilize as many men and boys as possible to be advocates for change. And, we don’t just want to talk about it. We want to try and make sure that it’s tangible.
I was appointed as Goodwill Ambassador for UN Women six months ago. And, the more I spoke about feminism, the more I realized that fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating. If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that this has to stop.

For the record, feminism by definition is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes.

I started questioning gender-based assumptions a long time ago. When I was 8, I was confused for being called bossy because I wanted to direct the plays that we would put on for our parents, but the boys were not. When at 14, I started to be sexualized by certain elements of the media. When at 15, my girlfriends started dropping out of sports teams because they didn’t want to appear muscly. When at 18, my male friends were unable to express their feelings.

I decided that I was a feminist, and this seemed uncomplicated to me. But my recent research has shown me that feminism has become an unpopular word. Women are choosing not to identify as feminists. Apparently, I’m among the ranks of women whose expressions are seen as too strong, too aggressive, isolating, and anti-men. Unattractive, even.

Why has the word become such an uncomfortable one? I am from Britain, and I think it is right I am paid the same as my male counterparts. I think it is right that I should be able to make decisions about my own body. I think it is right that women be involved on my behalf in the policies and decisions that will affect my life. I think it is right that socially, I am afforded the same respect as men.

But sadly, I can say that there is no one country in the world where all women can expect to see these rights. No country in the world can yet say that they achieved gender equality. These rights, I consider to be human rights, but I am one of the lucky ones.

My life is a sheer privilege because my parents didn’t love me less because I was born a daughter. My school did not limit me because I was a girl. My mentors didn't assume that I would go less far because I might give birth to a child one day. These influences were the gender equality ambassadors that made me who I am today. They may not know it, but they are the inadvertent feminists that are changing the world today. We need more of those.

And if you still hate the word, it is not the word that is important. It’s the idea and the ambition behind it, because not all women have received the same rights I have. In fact, statistically, very few have.

In 1997, Hillary Clinton made a famous speech in Beijing about women’s rights. Sadly, many of the things that she wanted to change are still true today. But what stood out for me the most was that less than thirty percent of the audience were male. How can we effect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feel welcome to participate in the conversation?

Men, I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue, too. Because to date, I’ve seen my father’s role as a parent being valued less by society, despite my need of his presence as a child, as much as my mother’s. I’ve seen young men suffering from mental illness, unable to ask for help for fear it would make them less of a man. In fact, in the UK, suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 to 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. I’ve seen men made fragile and insecure by a distorted sense of what constitutes male success. Men don’t have the benefits of equality, either.
We don’t often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes, but I can see that they are, and that when they are free, things will change for women as a natural consequence. If men don’t have to be aggressive in order to be accepted, women won’t feel compelled to be submissive. If men don’t have to control, women won’t have to be controlled.

Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong. It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum, instead of two sets of opposing ideals. If we stop defining each other by what we are not, and start defining ourselves by who we are, we can all be freer, and this is what HeForShe is about. It’s about freedom.

I want men to take up this mantle so that their daughters, sisters, and mothers can be free from prejudice, but also so that their sons have permission to be vulnerable and human too, reclaim those parts of themselves they abandoned, and in doing so, be a more true and complete version of themselves.

You might be thinking, “Who is this Harry Potter girl, and what is she doing speaking at the UN?” And, it’s a really good question. I’ve been asking myself the same thing.
All I know is that I care about this problem, and I want to make it better. And, having seen what I’ve seen, and given the chance, I feel it is my responsibility to say something.
Statesman Edmund Burke said, “All that is needed for the forces of evil to triumph is for good men and women to do nothing.”

In my nervousness for this speech and in my moments of doubt, I told myself firmly, “If not me, who? If not now, when?” If you have similar doubts when opportunities are presented to you, I hope those words will be helpful. Because the reality is that if we do nothing, it will take seventy-five years, or for me to be nearly 100, before women can expect to be paid the same as men for the same work. 15.5 million girls will be married in the next 16 years as children. And at current rates, it won't be until 2086 before all rural African girls can have a secondary education.

If you believe in equality, you might be one of those inadvertent feminists that I spoke of earlier, and for this, I applaud you. We are struggling for a uniting word, but the good news is, we have a uniting movement. It is called HeForShe. I invite you to step forward, to be seen and to ask yourself, “If not me, who? If not now, when?”

Thank you very, very much.

No, Hermione, thank you.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my book  Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com.

The F-Word

What do we want for our daughters?

I think most mothers of teens would agree that we want our daughters to be happy and smart and kind and successful. I think, if we're honest, we'd also say that we want them to be beautiful and lucky in love. (Despite our best efforts, that Disney-princess "happy ever after" thing is hard to get away from.)

In my case, I'd also add that I want my daughter to be a feminist. (I recently wrote an essay for Women's Voices for Change on that very subject.) Every time my daughter stands up for herself, notices an inequity or admires another woman for all the right reasons, my pride is palpable.

That's one reason I've been happy with some of the contemporary books she chooses to read. (Would I be happier if she reached for Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë or Louis May Alcott? Well ... um ... YES. I may be a feminist mother but I was also an English major.) Today's popular YA (young adult) dystopian genre includes some fairly kick-ass heroines.

One of these is Tris from Veronica Roth's Divergent series. Even though she's a little too swoony when it comes to her hunky trainer Four, the girl is one tough cookie. Leaping from moving trains, climbing abandoned ferris wheels, hand-to-hand combat (with boys, no less!), this is not a girl who sits at home waiting for the phone to ring while her manicure dries.

When the movie version was released a few months ago, I was happy that Hollywood resisted the urge to take Tris and glam her up for the big screen. Sure, young star Shailene Woodley looks super sultry on the poster, but in the film itself, she is strong and seemingly make-up free. Both Divergent and its precursor The Hunger Games depict future societies in which women live and work (and, apparently, fight to the death) alongside men.

(And the fictional heroines aren't the only inspiration for our teens. Both bestselling novels were written by, you guessed it, women. You go, girls!)

You'd think all this girl power would rub off on the young actress lucky enough to star in Divergent. Earlier this month, TIME magazine asked Woodley if she was a feminist. But, her answer surprised me. Surprised and, frankly, disappointed.

"No because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance. With myself, I’m very in touch with my masculine side. And I’m 50 percent feminine and 50 percent masculine, same as I think a lot of us are. And I think that is important to note. And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance.

My biggest thing is really sisterhood more than feminism. I don’t know how we as women expect men to respect us because we don’t even seem to respect each other. There’s so much jealousy, so much comparison and envy. And “This girl did this to me and that girl did that to me.” And it’s just so silly and heartbreaking in a way."

So, according to Woodley, sisterhood and feminism have nothing to do with each other. Oh, and you can't be a feminist and love a man. (This will be unhappy news for my husband.)

Shailene, honey, here's the deal ...

Let's start with the F-word itself. Who better to turn to for an official definition than the movement's mother superior, Gloria Steinem?

"A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men." 

Even without the last two words, Steinem doesn't say anything about taking away anybody's power. You would think the word "equality" would be inarguable.

What have feminists fought for? Freedom. Respect. True citizenship. Women's rights to make choices, to work outside the home, to be represented in government, to have access to healthcare.

Girlfriend, don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Shailene, the next time you vote or earn a half a million dollars for a movie (or speak your mind in a national magazine), thank your real sisters. 

The feminists.

If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to order a copy of my new book Lovin' the Alien at www.lovinthealien.com. 

Adam and Election Eve

Tomorrow is Election Day and I'm torn. 

Half of me can't wait for all of this to be over: the debates on TV, the debates on Facebook, the endless advertising, all the phone calls (Matt Damon and Bill Clinton both left messages for me last week!). 

The other half is terrified that voters will undo what I perceive to be progress in the areas of peacekeeping, human and civil rights, equality, healthcare and social services.

I make no secret of my own political leanings. But, I hope I haven't rammed them down anyone's throats. I truly believe in democracy. I believe that my opinion is no more valid than yours even if they are different. And, if that means that my candidate, my party and my platform are defeated by a real majority of the people, then I have to accept that.

But, more than anything else, I believe that we have to vote. There are people in this world today who literally risk their lives in order to be counted. Don't we owe it to them to exercise our right tomorrow?

And, there's another group of people to whom we should dedicate the simple action of going to the nearest polling place and casting a vote. The women, here in the U.S., who put their lives on the line to assure that we had a say in our own government.

"Well done, sister suffragette."

It was a long and difficult road from the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848 until the 19th Amendment was ratified in 1920. We owe Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott, Susan B. Anthony, Alice Paul, and so many other brave women our thanks for what may seem obvious to our generation: the right to determine how and by whom we are governed. I find it interesting (and distressing) that a nation founded on the principles of liberty and equality not only took over a century to extend voting rights to half of its population, but that we lagged behind a number of countries, including Denmark, Lithuania and New Zealand.

If the many women (and some men) who marched on Washington in 1913 were miraculously transported to 2012, there would be much to astound them. Digital technology, air travel, penicillin, a black president. But, if the same time-traveling people learned that women today have the right to vote (thank-you), but don't always use it, how would they feel? In the 2010 congressional election, less than half of female citizens over the age of 18 voted. Only 46.2%, which is appalling until you realize that even less, just 45%, of their male counterparts did.

Why did thousands of American women risk imprisonment, police brutality and social censure back in the early twentieth century? So they could vote, certainly. But, more importantly, so that their children and their children's children would live in a country that offered all of its citizens a fair and equal say in their government.

Ladies, we owe it them. We owe it to ourselves and future generations. Go to the polls tomorrow, stand on line if you have to, but vote. It's your hard-fought right. Please don't waste it.

And, one more thing. Take your daughter with you.

Good News, Girls!

My daughter, if she's reading this, will start rolling her eyes at any minute. Yes, it's her crazy feminista mother getting on that soapbox again. Well, here goes ...

If you're a woman, particularly a liberal one like me, you've probably been disturbed by some of the news lately. There are attempts to limit our reproductive choices and to threaten our ability to get health care. Horrible sexist remarks have been spewed and celebrated by the media. It seems as if progress made by women in the last half of the twentieth century is being undermined if not leveled completely.

Add to this the fact that women, who (as I've pointed out in previous posts) make up 51% of the population, are still regarded as a minority and are disadvantaged when it comes to positions of power and pay scale. And, let's not forget that the Equal Rights Amendment, first proposed in 1923, has never been ratified. As the mother of a daughter, I worry that she will mature and eventually try to make her own way in a world that still thinks of women — and still treats women — as citizens decidedly second-class.

But, I just found some good news that I'd like to share with you ...

Things are going to change. Really. They are going to change because the make-up of an important segment of our population is changing. That group is the Educated.

Take a look at some of these statistics (many gleaned from Kay Hymowitz's book Manning Up: How the Rise of Women has Turned Men into Boys):

Between 1975 and 2006, the percentage of men with a college degree increased slightly from 26.8 to 27.9.

In that same period, the percentage of women with a college degree increased more dramatically from 18.6 to 34.2.

So, not only did educated women increase at a faster rate, but at some point we passed men by. Nearly 25% more women had a college degree by 2006 than men did. The total enrollment for women in degree-granting institutions in 2009 (the most recent year tracked by the National Center for Education Statistics) was almost exactly one-third higher than for men. So, this appears to be a trend that is continuing.

This movement isn't limited to undergraduate schooling either. Today, looking at young people aged 25 to 29, there are 139 women with advanced degrees for every 100 men.

Related to this, we've seen rapid growth for professional women. Fifty years ago, women accounted for 6 percent of doctors and just 3 percent of lawyers. Today, we have reached close to parity with 49 percent and 47 percent. Some people project that by 2050, women will hold 70 and 60 percent of those positions.

Wow.

With these trends in education and professional participation comes increased economic power. While national numbers are still depressing (overall, women make just 77 cents for every dollar earned by men), there is significant change in urban areas and within specific demographics. In New York City, for example, women between 21 and 30 years old make 117% of what their male peers do. And in Dallas, that same age range makes 120%.

I look forward to this group growing older and taking over some of the old boy institutions, like the executive suites at the Fortune 500 or, more importantly, the U.S. Senate. I look forward to a time when women can run for President and be taken seriously as candidates. I particularly look forward to a time when a woman actually wins. Maybe the reason so many people (specifically, so many old white men) are attacking women's rights is because they see a change coming and they are downright and deservedly scared.

So, my dear daughter, I have more hope for you and your girlfriends than I did. (Yes, I know I forced you to choose the Seneca Falls Convention for your research project instead of the whaling industry. But trust me, you will find it far more relevant to you and your life.)

No one could argue that equality — economic, political, social — has been handed to women on a silver tray. But, keep studying girls, its time is coming.